Question: How
can I improve Student Essay 2 (pp 14-15 in the
textbook)?
Answer:
A)
Change the topic
sentence of paragraph 4 to fit supporting details this way:
The second cause of halitosis is dryness of mouth, which is mainly caused by
smoking.
B)
Re-arrange paragraphs in
order of familiarity:
1. plaque/food 2.
dryness of mouth 3. alcohol/baking soda
The thesis statement should
reflect this change like this:
The three main causes that lead to halitosis or chronic bad breath are accumulated
bacterial plaques and food coated on the back of the tongue, dryness of mouth caused
mainly by smoking, and alcohol and baking soda based oral products.
C)
Add the missing summary
part to the concluding paragraph.
This
is the corrected sample of the concluding paragraph prepared by Section 2:
Accumulated bacterial plaque and food, dry mouth, and oral products with
alcohol or baking soda are the three main causes of halitosis. When bacteria react
with food in the mouth, putrid gases are produced. Bad breath also results from
smoking, sinus and nasal blockages, and sleep because these give rise to mouth
dryness. Alcohol and baking soda in oral products promote dryness of tissue and
change the pH of the mouth, thus resulting in halitosis.